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St. Croix Sunsets, Farmers, Cars on Fire and Saying Goodbye {For Now}

October 12

Waiting is the name of the hurricane game.  I think the limbo is the absolute worst part.  All of my questions continue being met with variations of “we just don’t know,” “I’m not sure,” “maybe.”  So this week, I’ve decided two things.  First, it takes way too much water to flush a toilet and wash the dishes {2 trips to the cistern with both hands full, to be exact} and two, it’s time we set some plans for ourselves in motion.  It was important for us to be here in the aftermath of Maria to be part of our community and also put the farm back together again.  I assess that the farm has 3 or 4 more dedicated days left on it before it’s in its best possible condition.  It’s only then that we will travel to Charlotte to be with family for a short while until we set our sights on an extended spiritual journey.

Where it will lead us, we don’t know yet.  I’ve never been very happy in Charlotte and it’s never been good for me so it will only be a short stop to reconnect with family and also set up Nala with her grandparents.  Thailand lent such a spiritual resurgence to my soul.  I’m seeking a similar refuge again.  Morocco, India, Greece, Bali, Borneo…only time will tell.  I just know that I need a mental reset and some spiritual healing.  It’s been difficult for me to absorb all the loss and sadness here.  As I mentioned before, this storm has been divisive in the sense that some lost nothing while others lost everything.  Some have spread their angel wings and sheltered others while others have cocooned up in self preservation and I feel it.  I feel too much of it…the hurt, the loss, the pain, the confusion, the world flipped upside down.  Maybe it makes me foolish to cry over the uprooted trees…or feel depressed about the general disarray of our island but it does make me cry and it does make me very, very sad.

St. Croix was my land of milk and honey.  I’ve traveled most of my life through a cold, thorny path and when I finally reached my destination here, I felt warm, wild and free.  In the initial aftershock, I wondered to myself if I was being punished for having been too happy.  I was told that was nonsense.  I recently gravitated towards a book detailing the history of St. Croix and how hurricanes have swept through since the beginning of time.  It’s a normal part of life here, my husband reiterated to me.  However, I blame myself for not having adequately prepared myself for this.  I had let my hair down and was too busy enjoying the breeze to notice the great winds of a dangerous hurricane on the horizon.

But as is life, this too was a learning experience.  I just hope it doesn’t make me too cautious or color me grey or make me smell of fear.  I yearn, I crave, I hunger and reach for those days…days where I’ll once again be warm, wild and free.

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